Chapter Eight: Epiphanies

Yes....posting has been a minute....
Since October, I'm down 27 lbs. and quite a few inches, and up in my self confidence and body image. Over this period so far, I've had a few epiphanies. 1) Most "fit" people actually do work at it. 2) Ups and downs WILL occur. 3) Creating small, doable goals work.

I'm not even gonna sit here and lie and tell you I'm never cynical, negative, or annoyed with "fit" people. My views of those types of people were as followed: they've always been skinny so how would they know what I'm going through, of course they can eat whatever they want, and finally must be nice to have that body. The epiphany that has slowly come into my mind is that EVERY person on earth has a "problem area." Most people are insecure in one way or another. And when you get to that place in life where you're actual happy with your body, it ain't gonna stay like that by itself.  I want to personally apologize for being ignorant and uncompassionate towards people who actually work at staying healthy. Instead of praising and commending them for staying the course, I enjoyed being the victim and self pity almost became a drug of choice. Working out and trying to eat healthier has made me appreciate and admire people that can do it day in and day out! This is not a drill people!!!! It's hard.

Ups and downs are only fun, in my opinion, if you're on a roller coaster. Life, however, is a ride in it self and it's not going to slow down just because you want it to or you're tired. The biggest advice I can give only because I'm learning it myself and I know it works is loving, enjoying and appreciating the season of life you're in right at thievery moment. It won't come back exactly like it ever again. Experiences, people and situations are there to teach us life lessons and to grow us for the things to come...most of which we are unaware will happen. Whatever you struggle with the most is where the devil has you best. He has all the time in the world and is waiting on the perfect time to pull the rug out from under you. Especially when you're succeeded and growing closer to The Lord and his will for your life. I pray we recognize these moments and stop them right then and there. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU ARE SMART, YOU ARE LOVED. Never ever forget that!

Most of my posts have been about life, weight loss and loving yourself. And creating doable small goals is right in line with it; however, it can also be applied in so many more areas of life. For me personally, I can't just blurt out "I want to lose 40 in 3 months." That is not realistic because the body doesn't work on my time line, only on its own. But, if I say "I want to lose 5 lbs by the end of the month," that helps my psyche not freak out and go into full panic mode. I also don't put too much pressure on the possibility of failing. Life is a journey NEVER a destination. The only destination that should concern you and me is where we'll be after this earthly life is over. And I pray that I'll see each of you in heaven with Jesus! Goals help us stay the course. They can give us tremendous joy and satisfaction when reached. I hope each of you will evaluate areas in your life where you feel like you could improve and strive to make small, healthy goals.

Chapter Seven: Rewriting Your Story

Everybody has a story. A past. A demon or two. My pastor once said "if you think you don't have issues, that IS your issue!" The truth of the matter is that life is going to continue to roll along...sometimes without us because of past experiences. Up until a few years ago, I lived my life thinking certain things and situations always happen; therefore, they would always happen and it would never change so what's the point. Well, up until a few years ago, I was living a miserable life. Accepting things as they were and just existing.

The power to change starts internally with you and me. Playing the victim, feeling sorry for ourselves and moping around is a disease in its own right and will only cause heart ache and make the people around you feel negative and despondent too. I didn't realize that I was my biggest enemy! The way I talked to myself and daily beat myself up about my appearance, personality and even my abilities was horrible. If you, like me, have ever said "I can't help the way I think," you've seriously never tried the opposite approach. Speaking life giving words such: I am wonderfully made, God loves me, I LOVE ME, will, over time, be the repetition you will have created in your mind. We create our own world and it starts between the ears.

If you don't like the way you look...start making healthier choices and exercise even if it's just 30 minutes a day.
If you don't like your attitude towards a coworker, friend, or even a family member...stop and put yourself in their shoes and TRY to find compassion. Ask questions and listen. You'll probably be surprised at what you find out. Most of the time people don't feel like anybody understands or cares about where they are in life.
If you don't like your production at your job and feel like everybody is better than you...find continuing education classes or here's a bright idea: ASK FOR HELP!

Life will continue to flow. Difficult people will still come and go in your life. The devil WILL always continue to knock on the door of your faults and weaknesses and try to win. You don't always have to be the negative one, the depressed one, the angry one, the fat one. The ONLY thing we can change is the way we respond to all of it! It's US, not them. I have by no means conquered all of this and never will. My prayer is that day by day, over time, it will become less of an issue for me.

Today's tip: LOVE. It covers a multitude of things. When we come from a loving place, that's where we find grace and mercy for and from other people.

Chapter Six: Feeling of defeat.

There are days, like today, where I feel totally defeated in losing weight and gaining a healthy life. It is a constant, non-stop thought process I have with every meal, everyday. To eat or not eat healthy. My food intake is definitely in conjunction with my mood: how my day went, if I've exercised, how my mental psyche is when food time is near. I get SO annoyed and frustrated that I take it to that point. Why is it SO hard to love myself and accept my body as is?

I'm not gonna lie, since Monday, I've eaten an entire package of oreos...and they were AMAZING! (The snow apocalypse did NOT help at ALL) And of course, the minute I finished I felt guilty, but what's done is done and I went to workout tonight. I would LOVE to get to a place where it doesn't affect me everyday...it's just what I do: eat healthy and exercise daily. I drive myself insane sometimes thinking about where I'm going to eat, when I'm going to eat, what I'm going to eat. Am I alone in this?!

I know God loves me and has a plan, but sometimes I forget that and feel like I'm on an island all by myself, fighting this battle solo. I'm very much human and have these self doubting thoughts. I used to beat myself up horribly to the point of completely NOT caring about any of it. But, over the years, I've learned how to stop the run away train of self deprecating thoughts and emotions. Because honestly, in my heart of hearts...I know they're not true. I do get told I'm pretty, sweet, caring and "you're a catch," but until I believe that myself, all I'm hearing is "blah, blah, lie, blah, blah, you're just saying that to make me feel better." I'm SLOWLY learning to believe it, but I'm still a long way from where I'd like to be.

This blog is ME: being real, being vulnerable, being raw. I hope it brings a little comfort to some out there feeling like they're all alone. You're NOT!!!

Tip for today: Continue fighting the good fight. You're gonna have good days, but you're also gonna have bad, horrible, awful days. Don't let the latter define your success, I beg of you to look at the glass half full! You'll start seeing yourself as others do and you'll be kinder to YOU.

Chapter Five: What is it about appearance?!

I am beyond over-analyzing myself every SINGLE time I look in the mirror. It's like I think I'm going to see something different than I did the day before. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to look a certain way? We all have faces and body parts- some are just more round, or more flat than others. And what does that have to do with heart and personality?! This is the conversation I, sadly, have with myself daily. It's the one constant thing that's ALWAYS on my mind...what I look like - especially to others. I am a hairstylist and I am surround by mirrors on a daily basis. Help me Lord! Talk about being aware too much!  

Did you know that we are harder on ourselves than other people? We can pick apart every minute detail that is "wrong" with us and then turn around and be encouraging and building up our friends? Why is that? The devil gets me every time. And I bet he gets you too. He knows my weaknesses and likes to play games to pull me away from what the word of God says that I am. Who am I exactly? 

1. I am a child of God. 

2. I am a friend to Jesus.

3. I have been redeemed.

4. I have been crucified with Christ and I am NO LONGER a slave to my sin.

5. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit that dwells in me. 

6. I have been set free in Christ.

7. I am chosen, holy and blameless before God. 

8. I have been made complete in Christ.

9. I am holy and beloved. 

10. God LOVES me and chose me. 

What else can be said? Feeling humbled and grateful that my God, the One who created the universe, set aside time to create me. Thank you God, for loving me THAT much. Oh, and to that devil man, here's something to marinate on: YOU'RE NOT GONNA WIN. 

OUR tip: 

Stop and reflect on what really matters and WHO really matters. The answer is simple, but the flesh makes it hard to accept. 

Chapter Four: Hope

My hope is that when I die, people would know that I was a follower or Jesus, compassionate, understanding, thoughtful and kind. Sometimes it's REALLY hard to be all those things to all people. As you know, I'm certain, there are people that come into our lives that will push our buttons further than they've ever been pushed. Step one: Breathe. Step two: Take a step back and really listen. Instead of talking just to hear yourself, listen. People just want to be heard. I've have learn through the years that people are hurting. They've been beaten down, broken hearted, and are just trying to survive this rough thing we call the world. Step three: Be compassionate. Have a heart. Love people. Unless you know their story and can be a helpful friend in a situation, just love them. That's the best thing anyone can get can - unconditional love. 

I have been that hypocritical, judging, face smirking girl and oh, do I wish I could have known then what I know now. First Corinthians 13: 4-8 says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." What a command from The Lord. Why use any other method for understanding people? Hatred takes way too much energy and it really doesn't make you feel any better. Because all you're doing to trying to make them feel like you..."misery loves company"...sound familiar? Every day I TRY and see people from a different perspective. Like I've said, there's always a back story. And it's NOT my place to analyze or fix people. I'll fail every time. 

Be the person that comes into the lives of others and make them say "Wow! What a breath of fresh air!" Be the sparkle, the game changer, the motivator, the encourager. We NEED more than ever to lean on each other. We can not bear any fruit without each other! 

Tip for the day: Be the change you wish to see in the world. It all starts with one. One person putting into action what words can never accomplish. Give a hug, pat a back, slap a high five...something that  tells people you CARE. 

Chapter Three: Taming the Insecure.

Insecurity. That good ole faithful friend that just doesn't know when to leave. It creeps in in the smallest of windows, doors, even cracks of our lives and does more damage than an F5 tornado. I know hate is a strong word, but I HATE being insecure. I HATE that it has power over me. Can I get an amen anybody? It comes in all shapes and sizes, in all different areas of life. Have you ever thought "I'm not a good enough mom," "I'm not pretty or skinny enough," "I stink at my job and I should just quit," "nobody will ever love me?" I certainly have had some of these come up in my brain. Sadly, more than once. Even multiple times a day. Sometimes it's like an avalanche or train that  I just can't stop. So, how can they be stopped? If you're one of those people who say they can't, you are wrong!

I've been told periodically throughout my life that if you say something ____ amount of times, you'll believe. And for a long time I thought it was a bogus statement. You know why? Because I never really tried it. I almost was boastful that my life was bad. Like I wanted people to feel sorry and take pity on me. All the while, being annoyed at others who did the same thing. Looking back, I really think that all I wanted was compassion. Someone to say, I understand where you are and I have faith and believe that it will get better. Now to hear that and actually comprehend it was on me. We all hear what we want to.

Having confidence is sometimes a choice. Sometimes you don't feel very confident in what you're doing or saying. "Fake it til ya make it" is not always a bad mantra to have as long as it's short lived. I can only go on MY personal experiences and I've never felt skinny enough or pretty enough. Yes, there are body parts I don't hate. And personality traits that I'm okay with, but it's a daily, sometimes hourly, pep talk I have within myself. That's how you tame insecurity. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute pep talks (mine are prayers to God) and repetition of positive, truthful things in your life. Trust me, they will NEVER go away. That's how the devil has his fun. Making us feel awful about ourselves. But thank you Jesus, for HE is bigger, better and bolder than any insecurity or devilish action in our lives. He wants us to cling to him! We are HIS children, imperfect, but his. Our body and mind should be a temple for him. Do we really want to mess with perfection? I didn't think so. There are things about me that will never change. And they won't for a reason. The simple fact that God made it so!

I know the hurt and the isolation that insecurity can give us. The best thing I have found to do for myself and others is talk about. Being self righteous and walking around with this fake facade that I have it all together helps no one and I end up looking stupid. Have a little compassion for people! I don't know your story or where you've been or where you're trying to go; therefore, I would hope the same from you.

Tip for the day:
Say something nice to compliment someone today. You may be the only positivity they get. And guess what, you'll feel better about you too.

Chapter Two: Dealing with Rejection

I know it seems like every post I make is a Debbie downer, but really, it's showing you how I got here and the work I've done thus far. Not to mention, it's a nice little reminder for myself because it gives me more appreciation of the past and more motivation and hope for the future.

Now I KNOW we all have encountered rejection at some point. After all, it does seem to resinate and haunt us screaming useless, worthless, or defection. Gosh, thinking back on my 29 years of life, I can think of many many times that rejection happened. Not making that all-star softball team (when my own dad was a coach), being told "no, I don't want to go to the prom (with you)," or my personal favorite: having a man tell me that he couldn't date someone with a "weight problem." Those are just a few...trust me there are many more. The main point I'm trying to make is: how do we respond to rejection?

I see it two ways. The first is that we accept it and crumble, thinking it's set in stone and whoever is doing the rejecting is completely right. Or...the second is that perhaps, its not necessarily a rejection, but more of a not-right-now moment. Think back on your own circumstances. Could that be the case for you? Personally, most of mine are thank you Jesus moments. I'm telling you right now that the man knows what he's doing! So many times I wanted something SO bad that I was blinded by desire and greediness that I didn't think about the effects it would have had on my life. I think it takes courage to step out and say what you feel and want. Even more than that, to me, it shows strength when we say it and know that there's a possibility that a NO could happen. What is the worst that could happen if we heard the word no? Really. There are worse things happening right now around the world than freaking out because you heard the "N" word. I personally think some people need to hear it more often, but that's a totally different subject.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: you're going to get rejected again. Yep. It's inevitable. BUT, you have control over how you handle it. I'm still learning myself, but knowing that Jesus has a plan and I am HIS child, I know that he's not intentionally hurting me. Yes, rejection hurts. Sometimes to the core, but I'm telling you that because I believe and have faith in Jesus, I know that I'll live through it and wake up the next day. Maybe even laugh about it...you know...down the road. Instead of feeling horrible and letting self doubt creep in, I strongly suggest self reflection and finding humbleness. What? If you're saying to yourself, "well that makes no sense." At least try it. Sometimes situations are meant to happen to show us that there is an area in our lives that we DO need to work on. Instead of blowing up and huffing and puffing, say thank you. Thank you to the person for being honest and not just telling you what you wanted to hear. Saying thank you sometimes is just as hard as saying I'm sorry or you were right. But, you will be glad you didn't show yourself in the end. Be gracious and take the high road, for there are blessings that you will receive in due time.


OUR tip for this post is this:
Find the good in EVERY situation. Because there IS good in every situation. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder and be bold enough to acknowledge it, to sit in it, and then to say thank you. Thank you Lord for this teaching moment, for I want to be more like you.

Chapter One: Recognizing Self Worth & Love.

Good morning!
I was thinking "how do you follow up a post like yesterday?" I can only speak for myself, of course, and I believe the first step in changing a life (however far one feels like they have to go) is acknowledging self worth and love. What is worth exactly? I had to look it up myself and some of the definitions are: the quality that renders something desirable, useful or valuable, commands esteem or respect. I don't know about you, but those are big, important, almost scary words for me. In my case, I never felt worthy enough for change or love or marriage or success in my career. At one point, I had lost about 75 lbs and found myself crying almost daily. Instead of looking at what I had accomplished, I looked at how far I had to go. Be forewarned: if you do this on your journey, you WILL fail. It is disastrous to your psyche and your growth. Ok, so what can you do? Well, the best thing I did was start therapy. Finding an unbiased opinion that's going to look at the situation for what it is saved my life, literally. If you can't afford a therapist or just don't feel comfortable talking to a stranger, I strongly suggest confiding in someone....whether that be a friend, pastor, or co worker. Make sure that person has your best interest at heart, so you can be completely transparent and honest with everything. Sometimes actually saying the things you feel out loud is all you need. Clarity may be found and sometimes you find that what you're thinking, in all reality, is silly and insignificant. I went to therapy for almost 3 years and learned more about myself in a once or twice a week appointment than I did for the first 25 years of life. It helped me to know how and why I was the way that I was. And yes, you need to revisit the unfriendly, dark, scary years.
Worth is something nobody can give you. It's something YOU have to find within yourself and accept. Acknowledge it everyday. Say nice things to yourself, you deserve it. Thank God for YOU everyday. ("I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your workfare wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14) This is one of those battles I have daily because harmful and ugly thoughts creep into my brain and sometimes take over, but with the armor of God and healthy repetition of positive thoughts, they are becoming decreasingly less. Praise The Lord!

Love...we all want it. And I can guarantee that we've all experienced it at some point for a length of time. But what we haven't talked about is loving one's self. Talk about the biggest and best love there is besides the love of Christ. When I started loving myself, I saw ME in a different light. Want to know what is comforting? Knowing that the God of the universe loves me. He created me in my mother's womb and has a plan for my life. Please know that this was NOT overnight! It has taken years and I STILL have moments when I feel unlovable. If you're searching for love through someone else or a materialistic thing, you can stop right now! People and things will disappoint and fail you every time. They don't mean too. Really, they don't. Pure, everlasting joy and love can only come from and be maintained through Jesus and the fact that he died for you and me. If that doesn't put things into perspective, I don't know what will. Honestly, once I got over myself and MY problems and started loving on other people and investing time in them, did I see a change in me and the blessings that other people were to me. Ever heard the saying "too blessed to be stressed"? It really is true. Start finding the good things in life and quit focusing on what you don't have. When you begin to see the positive, you start changing your mindset. It's been a process for myself but becoming easier and easier, day by day. Try it!!

So, here's OUR tip for today:
Start finding your own worth. Start loving yourself where you are right now! Don't dwell on the past or romanticize about the future. Live in the moment! You'll never get it back.

Thank you for taking time to read this blog. I know it may be long, but it all comes from the heart and I want to pass on the knowledge that I know has worked for me.

Blessed to be a blessing!

There's always a preface.

Good afternoon blogging world! Before I start on my own personal preface, let me explain my previous statement "remove this weight resolution off my list for good." What I'm referring to is the extremely unhealthy, exhausted, depressed feeling when one is overweight. Hear me LOUD and clear, I will battle food and weight for the rest of my life; however, I refuse to let it rule my life. Becoming aware and staying aware is a major issue for me. It is imperative when becoming a healthier human.

Now....this is the start of me getting to where I am now...

So, I was not born a chunky baby, nor was I a chunky toddler. I came into this world with long legs and long arms and was the mini me of my father in stature. My dad was/is 6'4", so I came by it honestly. Not until junior high, when kids go from baby faced precious angels to pimpled walking attitudes, that I started gaining "mature" weight. I was not even remotely popular or liked being the center of attention and honestly, started feeling invisible and having that pointless feeling of being there (before you wonder, no, suicide NEVER entered my mind).
High school was pretty much no different, I had my core group of friends (like maybe 4-5), but never really felt like I belonged anywhere. So, to cover up those feelings, I ate. Food became my comfort, my happy place, my security blanket. It wasn't a massive weight gain because I played tennis and was somewhat active. But when college hit me, boy did it hit me!! Finding one's independent freedom is liberating...okay, and somewhat scary too. Not having a loving, encouraging (and yes, sometimes annoying) support system there helping me figure what was good for me was the biggest life changer for me. I failed over and over and over. Became depressed. Quit going to class. And eating became my life goal because it simply made me feel better. Funny looking back now, it really didn't make me feel better, it made me sick and miserable and also masked all the emotions that I was not tapping in to. To make an epic novel a short story, I moved home from college due to my poor decision making and started commuting to a semi-local community college. Things at that point had not changed yet, but a I finished college with a cosmetology skill and starting the working world. I don't know about you all, but having transitions in my young life were extremely difficult for me and I, again, started packing on the pounds. I finally moved to the city where my community college was and started working in a salon full time. At this point, I needed a primary care physician, so I got an appointment with my dad's doctor. I went, had blood work done and was told to come back that afternoon to discuss the numbers of the work. I sat in that doctors office, intimated more than you know, alone and nervous. The next thing I remember is feeling like scum, a failure, and mainly pissed off. That doctor told me I was OBESE. And if I didn't do anything about it, I would need gastric bypass and ultimately die. What? Come again? I was floored! I had NEVER in my life been told anything like that...even though it was true. That was January of 2009. It was not until September of the same year that my life changed forever.
I was driving down the road (and I can still tell you the exact place I was when I called my mom) and a thought popped in my head to try this new diet and wellness program in town. I firmly believe it was the Holy Spirit telling me this because I can't explain it otherwise. I had heard of other people doing it and had been pretty successful. So I called my retired nurse of a mother and she approved through her own research that is was safe and under a doctor's care. So, September 19, 2009 I started my journey. From that day until December 25th, I did not cheat one time and I lost a whopping 58 lbs. I felt amazing! If only I knew what the future would hold.
From beginning to end on that program, I lost 100 lbs. and then.....the real world was waiting. Waiting on me to fail, as a matter of fact. From that day of leaving the program to today, I have been struggling, scratching and clawing, succeeding and failing at gaining a healthy lifestyle.
I hope and pray that I can be an example to someone, maybe one, who thinks it's not worth it. LISTEN TO ME: YOU ARE WORTH IT!! Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice so that we may have life and have it abundantly. He WANTS you to succeed, he WANTS you to love yourself, he WANTS you to share your journey and struggles with friends and family and possibly even strangers.

Here's the biggest thing I've learned: I CAN NOT do it by myself. My will power is not strong enough and neither is yours. Help a brother or sister out!! Don't be selfish or self righteous. What does that gain in life? Because the ultimate prize is to hear, "well done, my good and faithful servant." I am eternally grateful for the struggles that I have had in life because I wouldn't be the person I am right now. God has a great and mighty plan for EVERYONE, you just have to ask and obey.

I'm planning to give one tip for you and me every post.
Todays is easy: Say yes to the process. Say yes to failing, but also say yes to getting back on the horse day after day, month after month, year after year. You will not be disappointed with the blessings that come.

New Year, New You...right?!

Yes, it's been over two years since I've typed anything on here. And what a two years it has been. Ever feel like time has flown by and you have no recollection of any of it? That's kind of how I feel. Since October 2011, I've moved cities, learned from all kinds of relationships, bought a house and just tried to hang on for the ride of life. This post might get lengthy, so bear with me.

So, it's 2014. Hang on....2014?!? Well, anyway, this whole new year thing has gotten me thinking...what do I want to accomplish...I mean, REALLY accomplish? For some it's success in their careers, others it's growing together more with their spouse and their children; for me, it's improving the good ole standby: weight and health. Ugh. Yes, it's BACK on my resolution list....again.  But this time, to hopefully be removed for good. How many people, along with me, have said that? It's no wonder why it's been defeating me. Life happens everyday, every hour, every minute. It has taken me a long time to learn that changes do not happen over night. I've heard the saying and you probably have to "it's taken time for you to gain the weight, it's gonna take time to get it off!" Have you ever stopped to think about what happens during the time in between saying "I'm gonna do this!" to "I've done it!!"?

This blog is hopefully going to be a source of inspiration for you along with accountability for me too. I want to tap into the time in between. The ups, the downs, the accomplishments and triumphs and the unsuccessful flat out fails that we will ALL encounter during this in between thing. Life will never slow down unless you're dead, so we might as well get real about things.

Here's to the New YOU!