Chapter Six: Feeling of defeat.

There are days, like today, where I feel totally defeated in losing weight and gaining a healthy life. It is a constant, non-stop thought process I have with every meal, everyday. To eat or not eat healthy. My food intake is definitely in conjunction with my mood: how my day went, if I've exercised, how my mental psyche is when food time is near. I get SO annoyed and frustrated that I take it to that point. Why is it SO hard to love myself and accept my body as is?

I'm not gonna lie, since Monday, I've eaten an entire package of oreos...and they were AMAZING! (The snow apocalypse did NOT help at ALL) And of course, the minute I finished I felt guilty, but what's done is done and I went to workout tonight. I would LOVE to get to a place where it doesn't affect me everyday...it's just what I do: eat healthy and exercise daily. I drive myself insane sometimes thinking about where I'm going to eat, when I'm going to eat, what I'm going to eat. Am I alone in this?!

I know God loves me and has a plan, but sometimes I forget that and feel like I'm on an island all by myself, fighting this battle solo. I'm very much human and have these self doubting thoughts. I used to beat myself up horribly to the point of completely NOT caring about any of it. But, over the years, I've learned how to stop the run away train of self deprecating thoughts and emotions. Because honestly, in my heart of hearts...I know they're not true. I do get told I'm pretty, sweet, caring and "you're a catch," but until I believe that myself, all I'm hearing is "blah, blah, lie, blah, blah, you're just saying that to make me feel better." I'm SLOWLY learning to believe it, but I'm still a long way from where I'd like to be.

This blog is ME: being real, being vulnerable, being raw. I hope it brings a little comfort to some out there feeling like they're all alone. You're NOT!!!

Tip for today: Continue fighting the good fight. You're gonna have good days, but you're also gonna have bad, horrible, awful days. Don't let the latter define your success, I beg of you to look at the glass half full! You'll start seeing yourself as others do and you'll be kinder to YOU.